Zia Notice Board

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6 feet 2 inches hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say ‘Oh my God…’.”

The parish’s new Priest was so nervous in his first sermon that he was almost unable to speak.

Before his second mass, on the following Sunday, he asked the Archbishop what he could do to feel more relaxed, and the Archbishop suggested the young Priest to put a few drops of vodka on the water. “After a few sips”, said the Archbishop, “You’ll feel better”.

So, Sunday came, and the Priest followed his mentor’s advice. He felt so happy and relaxed, that he could speak loud in the middle of a storm.

When he got back to his chamber, he found a note from the Archbishop, which read:

“Dear Priest:

1. Next time, put some drops of vodka in the water and not drops of water in the vodka.
2. Do not put lemon and sugar on the border of the Holy cup.
3. The Missal is not a cup holder.
4. You can not use Our Lady’s cloak as a napkin.
5. There are 10 Commandments and not 12.
6. There were 12 Apostles and not 10.
7. We can not refer to the Holy Cross as “that big T over there”.
8. We can not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ as JC and his Band.
9. David defeated Goliath using his sling and a rock, and never fucked his ass.
10. We do not refer to Judas as “John Doe”.
11. The Pope is Sacred and not Castrated, and we cannot call him “Godfather”.
12. The Father, the Son and The Holy Spirit, are not The Old Man, Junior and The Flying stuff.
13. Judas did not hang Jesus and Mussolini had nothing to do with this story.
14. The Host is not gum, so avoid trying to make bubbles.
15. Try to drink less wine, and when you do so, do it in a cup.
16. Backstreet Boys were not in the chorus list.
17. That small chamber was the confessional and not the toilet.
18. Avoid leaning on Our Lady’s image and principally hug it.
19. The initiative of calling the audience to dance was interesting, but dancing Macarena, no.
20. Only religious sermons, no politics and football, please.
21. Holy water is to bless, not to refresh your head.
22. Never conduct the mass sitting on the altar steps and never ever, with your foot on the Holy Bible.
23. The Hosts are supposed to be given to the public and not as food to be served with the wine.
24. Nor Bruce Willis nor Sharon Stone were in the series “The Reincarnation of Christ”.
25. That “guy” nailed on the cross was Jesus Christ and not Bob Marley.
26. Jim Jones is not the Financial Manager of the Catholic Church.
27. Remember to use underwear and never use the cassock as a fan.
28. Never ever again read “True Sexual Cases” in a mass.
29. The name of the Pope is Benedict and not Axel Rose and none of them made duets with Art Garfunkel.
30. Jesus was born in Bethlehem and not in Atlantis.

For the 45 minutes of the mass that I followed I noted those faults.

I must remind you that a mass is supposed to last for around one hour and not two periods of 45 minutes.

The place where you pray is the altar and not the “World Stage”, and the “Drag Queen in skirt” sitting on the back of the church was me!

Kind Regards,

The Archbishop”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy, “I have a football.”
Man, “That’s nice.”
Boy, “Want to buy it?”
Man, “No, thanks.”
Boy, “My dad’s outside.”
Man, “OK, how much?”
Boy, “£250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy, “Dark in here.”
Man, “Yes, it is.”
Boy, “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy, “£750″
Man, “Sold.”

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, “Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy, “£1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again. You’re in my cupboard now!”