Zia Notice Board

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“For reading a book?” she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with Sexual Assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think!

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
[Love Story, Erich Segal]

A man, passenger on a flight, snaps his fingers to call the hostess.
The hostess replies: “You need more than 2 fingers to make me come !!!”.

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

The parish’s new Priest was so nervous in his first sermon that he was almost unable to speak.

Before his second mass, on the following Sunday, he asked the Archbishop what he could do to feel more relaxed, and the Archbishop suggested the young Priest to put a few drops of vodka on the water. “After a few sips”, said the Archbishop, “You’ll feel better”.

So, Sunday came, and the Priest followed his mentor’s advice. He felt so happy and relaxed, that he could speak loud in the middle of a storm.

When he got back to his chamber, he found a note from the Archbishop, which read:

“Dear Priest:

1. Next time, put some drops of vodka in the water and not drops of water in the vodka.
2. Do not put lemon and sugar on the border of the Holy cup.
3. The Missal is not a cup holder.
4. You can not use Our Lady’s cloak as a napkin.
5. There are 10 Commandments and not 12.
6. There were 12 Apostles and not 10.
7. We can not refer to the Holy Cross as “that big T over there”.
8. We can not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ as JC and his Band.
9. David defeated Goliath using his sling and a rock, and never fucked his ass.
10. We do not refer to Judas as “John Doe”.
11. The Pope is Sacred and not Castrated, and we cannot call him “Godfather”.
12. The Father, the Son and The Holy Spirit, are not The Old Man, Junior and The Flying stuff.
13. Judas did not hang Jesus and Mussolini had nothing to do with this story.
14. The Host is not gum, so avoid trying to make bubbles.
15. Try to drink less wine, and when you do so, do it in a cup.
16. Backstreet Boys were not in the chorus list.
17. That small chamber was the confessional and not the toilet.
18. Avoid leaning on Our Lady’s image and principally hug it.
19. The initiative of calling the audience to dance was interesting, but dancing Macarena, no.
20. Only religious sermons, no politics and football, please.
21. Holy water is to bless, not to refresh your head.
22. Never conduct the mass sitting on the altar steps and never ever, with your foot on the Holy Bible.
23. The Hosts are supposed to be given to the public and not as food to be served with the wine.
24. Nor Bruce Willis nor Sharon Stone were in the series “The Reincarnation of Christ”.
25. That “guy” nailed on the cross was Jesus Christ and not Bob Marley.
26. Jim Jones is not the Financial Manager of the Catholic Church.
27. Remember to use underwear and never use the cassock as a fan.
28. Never ever again read “True Sexual Cases” in a mass.
29. The name of the Pope is Benedict and not Axel Rose and none of them made duets with Art Garfunkel.
30. Jesus was born in Bethlehem and not in Atlantis.

For the 45 minutes of the mass that I followed I noted those faults.

I must remind you that a mass is supposed to last for around one hour and not two periods of 45 minutes.

The place where you pray is the altar and not the “World Stage”, and the “Drag Queen in skirt” sitting on the back of the church was me!

Kind Regards,

The Archbishop”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy, “I have a football.”
Man, “That’s nice.”
Boy, “Want to buy it?”
Man, “No, thanks.”
Boy, “My dad’s outside.”
Man, “OK, how much?”
Boy, “£250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy, “Dark in here.”
Man, “Yes, it is.”
Boy, “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy, “£750″
Man, “Sold.”

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, “Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy, “£1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again. You’re in my cupboard now!”

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Martin asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home around 3am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Martin asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, Get your hands off me bitch! I’m married!”