Zia Notice Board

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

House, for instance, is feminine: la casa.
Pencil, however, is masculine: el lapiz.

A student asked: “What gender is computer?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class in to two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computer should be masculine (el computador), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have got a better model !!!

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know… and all the men that have a sense of humor.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following.

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you!” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

This student received an A+.

Life is what we make of it.

Dear various Parents, Grandparents, Co-Workers, and other “Not Computer People“,

We do not magically know how to do everything in every program.
When we help you, we are usually just doing this:

RTFM: Tech Support Cheat Sheet

Please print this flowchart out and tape it near your screen.
Congratulations: you are now the local computer expert!

Karma: treat things nice and nice things happen to you.

As the great poet so cleverly wrote, hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”

His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6 feet 2 inches hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say ‘Oh my God…’.”

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that is where shitty ideas come from !!!

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
[Oscar Wilde]